As a St. Paul funeral home, Mueller Memorial hopes to earn people’s business someday far in the future when the need arrives, but we would prefer not to serve any of you fine folks coming into town for the Big Game. So here are some handy (and very real) tips for surviving February in Minnesota.
Sun = Cold
If a Minnesotan looks out the window in the morning and sees a clear sky, they know it’s time for the extra-thick sweater. Cloud cover keeps “warmer” air around, so when there are no clouds, all the warm air floats away making it cold cold cold. Don’t let the view from your bedroom window fool you, if it’s clear skies, it’s time to bundle up.
It’s Not “Wind Shield,” It’s Wind Chill, and It’s a Thing.
There’s a whole fancy calculation behind it, but basically it’s what the temperature feels like when you factor in the wind. So, if the temperature says it’s 5˚ that’s accurate and all fine and dandy ‘til you factor in the 10mph wind which means, accounting for the wind chill factor, it feels like it’s -10˚. You should be prepared for the -10 not the +5.
A Passive-Aggressive Warning is Still a WARNING!
If you hear one of the phrases, “that’s totally up to you,” or “if it were me, I wouldn’t do it,” from a Minnesotan in regard to any outdoor situation it really means, “Stop immediately! What you’re doing is incredibly dangerous!” Consider listening to that Minnesotan, they’ve managed to survive here for many winters.
You wanna look good so you’re thinking “heck no” to wearing a hat and messing up your hair. Fine, that’s totally up to you (hello passive aggressive warning) but instead of heading out in -25 wind chill with a naked head, please for Pete’s sake, consider a winter jacket with a hood. It keeps the heat around your head and neck but isn’t so tight it messes up your hair. Win win.
There are some times no matter how well winter-dressed you are, you’re gonna get chilled and feel like you just can’t get warm. Here’s a trick, stand in the tub or hike your feet into your bathroom sink one at a time and run some warm/hot water over them. I’m sure someone knows what the biology of this is, but for some reason, if you can warm up your feet, your whole body is gonna feel better.
Thanks to the exothermic oxidation of iron, these toasty little sachets of swelter only need to be opened from their package to begin to heat up. They’re cheap, take about 15mins to get warm, and fit nicely into mittens. Insider tip: they’re also a delight when shoved into the toe of your boot.
Use the Buddy System
This weekend you won’t find a shortage of cocktails, beer, and wine for your enjoyment, but before you hop on the party train, assign yourself a buddy. The buddy system worked when we were kids and it works now. If one of your crew wanders off in the Bold North the cold can be dangerous, so stick with your buddy and make sure everybody gets home safe and warm.
Minnesota > Wisconsin
For your safety, under no circumstances inform a Minnesotan that states outside the Midwest don’t know the difference between Minnesota and Wisconsin. This comment is offensive to hipsters, snowmobilers, politicos, soccer moms, indigenous people, snowmen, sports fans, immigrants, CEOs, loons, Iron Rangers, and literally everyone in between. Minnesota-Nice has its limits and calling us Wisconsin is a good way to test them.
How’s the Weather?
The biggest cliché is that we always talk about the weather here because it’s true, we do. Talking about the weather is how we stay alive: we need to know what’s coming. And we’re Minnesota-nice because if we’re not nice and help each other out the weather, in any season, could kill us. Literally.
Stay safe out there everybody, Mueller Memorial definitely does NOT want to see you this weekend.
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